BREAKING NEWS: San Francisco to Give Away Free Luxury Homes to Kevin Ho’s Clients
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – SMARCH 32, 2012. In a stunning move, San Francisco city leaders and luminaries announced that clients of Kevin Ho – broker and attorney with Vanguard Properties – would receive free luxury condominiums or single-family homes in the much-coveted Districts 5 and 9 of the city. Lucky folks who were registered with Kevin Ho as of April 15, 2012, will receive an exclusive ‘golden ticket’ to claim to any home of their choice under the “Ho Ho Homes” program outlined at a Saturday press conference with several thousand in attendance.
“This is stunning. Simply stunning,” Ho said. “I mean I’ve always told my clients they get a leg up when they work with me, but this is something else!”
Officials from Bluth Home Construction Developers, who publicly for the first time at the conference, said they had reached and agreement with San Francisco planning and zoning officials as part of marathon negotiations to settle long-running, but still undisclosed disputes between the developer and the City and County of San Francisco.
“Yes, we are quite pleased to put these issues at rest,” said one Bluth official speaking on the condition of anonymity before the conference. “This allows us to move forward with our mutual goals and put this monkey business behind us.”
While specific details remain to be announced, city and Bluth officials described the general outlines of the program at the capacity conference at Vanguard’s offices in the Mission. which was also simulcast to city residents in Dolores and Golden Gate Parks. Bluth will be allowed to continue its Southern California developments in exchange for their underwriting of company leaders are calling the “Ho Ho Homes” program according to terms announced at the conference.
“Can you believe it?!” said one happy client who didn’t give her name. “I am so buying the penthouse units at the Millenium when they come on the market!!
Another client, clearly overcome with joy said he was eyeing a Noe Valley mansion atop Liberty Hill, but wanted to keep details to himself for the time being. “Let’s just say, I’ll be making an unsolicited offer to the home’s current offer,” he said. “I’ll give her several million reasons not to stay there.”
As part of the Ho Ho program, registered clients of Kevin Ho will receive a “Golden Ticket” by courier pigeon wrapped around a not-copyright-infringement ‘Wonka’ bar. Once a lucky ticket holder determines which home they want, he or she will then contact Ho.
Ho will then present the ticketholder’s offer to a home’s current owner or seller along with proof of funds; in this case a photo copy of the numbered ticket. Once a ticket is presented on a particular home, the ticketholder becomes automatic winner of the bidding process for a given property on the market, according to the Mayor’s secretary. While details are still being finalized, the secretary said that the program was first-come, first-served so that only one ticketholder per property. She said she had no idea how the program would work for homes not yet on the market and directed all further questions to the Mayor of Comedy’s office.
The Mayor did say that any ticket offer would supersede and automatically outbid any offers on the table to satisfy any listing price up to a value of $10,000,000 for any homes currently on the market.
“We had to put a limit on the program,” said Mayor of Comedy with a hearty guffaw. “However, we think $10,000,o00 should get most people a modestly-priced home in San Francisco. Don’t forget, we’ll take care of the property taxes for life.”
Clients should receive their tickets within the next 1000 years or so.
Happy April Fool’s Day! This April Fool’s Hoax brought to you by K.Ho